Excerpt NaNo Nov 8


Could someone please critique this?

The Misfits is a group of four couples, consisting of four who work as part of the mid-management team for the devil, Mr.D, as soul collectors, and their partners, who are human.

Set up: The four humans  are at dinner. About once a month or every six weeks they go out together to vent about their partners. Tonight is the first time  Phoebe has joined them since she and Gideon had been together approximately three months, and she met the group a month earlier. She has many questions.

“Okay here goes. For example the other night I mentioned the recent storm in the US and all those people who lost their homes, their possessions and sat in the dark and cold scrounging for food for weeks. He showed absolutely no compassion.”

“Really hon, what did you expect?” Eve gazed at Phoebe with sympathetic green eyes.  “He works for the devil.. Don’t look so shocked”

“I guess you’re right. I didn’t think. The only thing he said  was that he was glad he didn’t have to work collecting during the storm. When we first started to live together, I played a prank on him. Not only didn’t he get it, he wasn’t amused when I explained it to him. He was furious! His eyes went black with a gleam of potential violence. It frightened me. I finally calmed him down. He may be getting better though. The other night he mentioned a woman he knew, maybe 60 years ago, and I pretended to be jealous. I let him attempt to explain for 15 minutes before I admitted I was merely teasing him. He seemed to take that in good stride… ” She looked to the others for their reactions.

Charles whistled softly, not a tune, just a sound.  “No Phoebe, don’t tease them like that. They don’t get it. Every now and then they also demonstrate a streak of jealousy. For instance, Beth insinuated that there’s more to our relationship,” he nodded to Eve, “than friendship. You have to  placate them. Perhaps they need reassurance sometimes too, I don’t know. It does get better, but it takes a while. Remember they’ve gone for lifetimes without humaneness.”

Phoebe could see Eve was obviously ready to leave, and the patio was thinning out as people left. “The funny thing is, they get used to human comforts. In order to be closer to their clients, the agents are not required to live in Hell, where luxuries are non-existent. Victor (Eve’s agent partner) cherishes his scotch, gourmet meals, wine, and his books. He realises those things are not allowed if he lived in Hell, with the demons,”

“Boo hiss,” Charles said with a chuckle in his tone.

“ so he’s willing to compromise. And no, regarding that hurricane you mentioned, sitting around waiting for a client to kick the bucket in the cold and dark, oh no not for them.”

 

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3 Responses to Excerpt NaNo Nov 8

  1. crazypjs says:

    I didn’t know you were NaNoing this year!!?? I’m not good at critiquing…but I love the idea you have and this story!!

  2. I am hopeless at critiquing 😦

    I know if I like something and if I don’t, and I like that 🙂

    Xx

  3. sounds good to me the way it is except for some missing punctuation, but that’s more copy editing 🙂

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