Happy Sunday! It’s a long week end here and we’ll probably be planting the garden. I’ll try to read as soon as I can.
I decided to try out my WIP, unnamed for now, called The Children on my computer. It’s my first attempt at a fantasy.
Hastily written blurb:
Gladstone Thomas and his group of three, friends since birth, know exactly what awaits them when they hit the age of eighteen. Stone’s cousin Robert Ward owing to his helicopter mother, Sara, is not aware of his future. Meeting Charlotte, the new girl at school, is a life changer . Gladstone and his buddies are witness to Robert’s transformation from as an indifferent student, careless dresser and narcissistic personality to his finally agreeing to Charlotte’s plan. Once Stone learns the key position Robert will play, they must work together to ensure success.
***
The opening eight sentences which is not quite the full paragraph
Ms Simmons rapped her knuckles on the desk at the front of the history class. A few murmurs and the sound of chairs scraping against the wood floor quieted down when she spoke. “May I have your attention please? I’d like to introduce a new student to our group.” The teacher stepped back allowing a young woman standing behind to move forward. Cobalt blue eyes dominated her face framed perfectly by pale almost translucent skin and white-blonde hair. “This is Charlotte and she is a recent transfer. Please make her feel welcome.”
sassyspeaks 
Nice #8Sentence. Very nice description. I was always glad I was never a transfer student – would have been embarassed to tears if I were Charlotte. Good job.
Not if you were Charlotte you wouldn’t 😀
Loved the sensory details 🙂
muchly appreciated Sandra 😀
This sentence “Cobalt blue eyes dominated her face framed perfectly by pale almost translucent skin and white-blonde hair.” needs reworking. Face is framed by the hair. Make the part about her skin a separate sentence. Might want to add Charlotte’s last name to the intro from the teacher.
Really good eight. I like the details such as the chairs scraping on the floor.
trying to figure out how to do as you suggested… can’t say her last name I suppose something would have to be on school records but… no last name
Blurb sounds good! The snippet definitely put me on edge to know how everyone reacts the new girl!
blurb needs a lot of work – and come back well next week yes but will be a while before we know what people think 😀
I could feel myself transported back to school, terrific snippet and the story has an interesting premise!
Glad you were in the moment however the synopsis needs a great deal of work. I dashed it off for another blog I had done Thank yo for your encouragement
Wow, this pops you right back into the classroom, doesn’t it? I would divide your opening paragraph down into at least three, however. I think the two sentences where the teacher steps back and Charlotte is described should stand alone and stand out.
thank yo for your input – dully noted and changes will be forthcoming when I re write
Beautifully described, intriguing new pupil, can’t wait to read what happens!
Thanks very much Gemma!
She sounds beautiful and interesting. Nice.
Interesting for sure!
Why do I feel that she is hiding something? Very interesting 8…xx
You feel that because your perception is excellent 😀
Very vivid snippet. I could see everything and definitely want to know more. Great job!
thanks very much Joyce
I really liked that you designate Charlotte as a “young woman” rather than girl. It gives me the idea she is older, either in age or in manner, than the other students. I expect her to be “different.” Great beginning!
sorry to mislead you. though come to think of it she is “older” and certainly different, but I think I used young woman because someone 16 is really no longer a girl.
Great pitch Sue, and I love the vivid imagery of the opening eight! A couple of comments: I agree with Kate, the cobalt eye sentence needs a little work. Having Charlotte’s face framed by pale skin is awkward. Also, the “her” is vague because both Ms. Simmons and Charlotte are mentioned in the preceding sentence. You might consider moving the, “This is Charlotte…” line to precede Charlotte’s description.
VR Barkowski
Hey you – great to see you and thanks for the comment. The WIP right now is not even a draft really so am delighted with comments. I could use your help all the way through it 😀
Great snippet. Excellent introduction to the character.
thanks for stopping by 😀
I like your attention to details it makes the excerpt really realistic.
thank you for your visiit
That initial introduction to the class is always awkward, but there seems to be something different about Charlotte–even just from her physical appearance. You’ve given us something to figure out.
Ah – you got it – her appearance – good for you!
I’m so glad that I’ve never changed schools in the middle of the year. I’ve always felt sorry for the kids stuck standing in front of the whole class being “introduced” to the rest of the class. Anyway, we may not know much more about her than her appearance, but THAT is certainly quite striking.
😀
Excellent description. I liked the knuckles rapping– sensory 🙂 Good 8 🙂
Thank you for that!